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Posts Tagged ‘believe’

falling down a hole

Believe.  That word has been rattling around in my head for a month now, but I’ve been struggling to grasp it.

The insecurity of life became too much for me, and so I retreated into a corner, hugged my knees, and closed my eyes in an effort to provide a false sense of security.  That only lasted for so long, when I began to feel my body being moved and turned.  A breeze swept over me as I lost my equilibrium.  It felt as if a deep cavernous hole had opened up and I was spiraling downward towards the inevitable.  At first, I resisted, but then growing weary of the fight, I found solace in the darkness that was sure to come when I hit bottom.

Believe!  The soft spoken word pierced through the dark thoughts.  Believe what?  Believe that someday I’ll be able to wake up without fear gnawing at my heart and stomach?  Believe that I can someday accept who I really am – a daughter of God?  Believe that joy will come in the morning?  A spark of hope flickered and was instantly snuffed as I twisted and turned in my fall.

Believe! The word seemed to bounce off the jagged rocks that formed the deep pit.  “Believe what?”  My mind screamed in confusion and horror.

“Believe that I have called you.  Believe that you are mine.  Believe that I see you and won’t let you be harmed!  Believe that I love you!”  The unseen voice sounded desperate almost pleading.

“I want to, I really want to, I just don’t have the strength anymore.  All I see is darkness, and all I hear is the wind swirling around me, and all I feel is the weight of gravity pulling me down.”  I frantically rambled.

The tender voice responded, “Open your eyes and look up!”

“I’m too scared!” My voice squeaked out.

“Open your eyes!”

Ever so slowly, I pried open my eyes and looked up.  Instead of seeing pitch black darkness, I saw a handsomely rugged face peering anxiously down at me.  “You’re not falling, I’m carrying you!”

“But I…”

“You became scared of the world around you and you closed your eyes.  When I picked you up, you thought you were falling.  If you had opened your eyes, you would have seen that I am carrying you to safety.”  He gently explained.

“Believe,” I whispered.

“Yes, just believe and you will see the truth.”  My Abba hugged me close as I clung to him realizing that I had been safe in his arms all along.

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Recently, I was asked to video record my Bible study, The Journey of Surrender. As I have been teaching it, the Holy Spirit has been teaching me. (You have to love it when your words are thrown right back at you.) No sooner had I finished video taping the first chapter, “Unbelief: The Roadblock in the Journey”, when God pointed out to me an area of unbelief that caused a roadblock.

Our church had held a breakfast and special appreciation service for the firefighters, police officers, and paramedics within our community. It came as no surprise when no one showed up that day.

“Did you really even pray about it?” the still small voice challenged me.

“Not really because I knew no one would come.” I responded thinking that was a satisfactory answer.

“Isn’t that unbelief? Didn’t you just teach that unbelief causes roadblocks?” the gentle voice continued to question.

“Ugh.” I sighed as conviction set in.

The following week I spoke on the topic of belief and how it brought about many amazing miracles. “For without faith it is impossible to please him!” I passionately proclaimed. Still, I had my own personal struggle with faith for the many upcoming tasks that God was calling us to do.

“Can we really accomplish this task?” my stomach twisted in knots.

“Believe.” came the reply.

My husband could sense that I was struggling with something. Finally I blurted out, “I don’t understand why I’m having such a hard time with this! A few years ago when we received only half the months salary, we saw so many prayers answered and had so many victories, but now I feel like it’s been more defeat than anything else, so why even pray?”

Immediately I could hear that still small voice, “Did you hear what you just said? When you prayed you had victories. When you stopped praying, you felt defeated. Where’s your belief?”

The picture became quite clear – lack of belief results in lack of prayer which results in lack of victories. Ouch! Those first 2 chapters of the Bible study came back to bite me, but it was perfect timing. I was going to need the faith and prayer to accomplish the ministries ahead.

Now that I’ve been open about my faithlessness and getting another clue, let me ask you, how’s your prayer life? How well do you believe that God is able? Join me in prayer, “Lord, I believe! Help thou my unbelief!” Then let’s watch God move mountains and turn the world upside down because of our prayers of belief.

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