Posts Tagged ‘depression’

falling down a hole

Believe.  That word has been rattling around in my head for a month now, but I’ve been struggling to grasp it.

The insecurity of life became too much for me, and so I retreated into a corner, hugged my knees, and closed my eyes in an effort to provide a false sense of security.  That only lasted for so long, when I began to feel my body being moved and turned.  A breeze swept over me as I lost my equilibrium.  It felt as if a deep cavernous hole had opened up and I was spiraling downward towards the inevitable.  At first, I resisted, but then growing weary of the fight, I found solace in the darkness that was sure to come when I hit bottom.

Believe!  The soft spoken word pierced through the dark thoughts.  Believe what?  Believe that someday I’ll be able to wake up without fear gnawing at my heart and stomach?  Believe that I can someday accept who I really am – a daughter of God?  Believe that joy will come in the morning?  A spark of hope flickered and was instantly snuffed as I twisted and turned in my fall.

Believe! The word seemed to bounce off the jagged rocks that formed the deep pit.  “Believe what?”  My mind screamed in confusion and horror.

“Believe that I have called you.  Believe that you are mine.  Believe that I see you and won’t let you be harmed!  Believe that I love you!”  The unseen voice sounded desperate almost pleading.

“I want to, I really want to, I just don’t have the strength anymore.  All I see is darkness, and all I hear is the wind swirling around me, and all I feel is the weight of gravity pulling me down.”  I frantically rambled.

The tender voice responded, “Open your eyes and look up!”

“I’m too scared!” My voice squeaked out.

“Open your eyes!”

Ever so slowly, I pried open my eyes and looked up.  Instead of seeing pitch black darkness, I saw a handsomely rugged face peering anxiously down at me.  “You’re not falling, I’m carrying you!”

“But I…”

“You became scared of the world around you and you closed your eyes.  When I picked you up, you thought you were falling.  If you had opened your eyes, you would have seen that I am carrying you to safety.”  He gently explained.

“Believe,” I whispered.

“Yes, just believe and you will see the truth.”  My Abba hugged me close as I clung to him realizing that I had been safe in his arms all along.


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It was a week before the wedding and Adi just wished it were over. After the realization that Ze’ev didn’t really love her, all the joy had vanished from the wedding preparations. Life had fallen into a routine of pretending to be a happily engaged couple to the the public and separating upon their return home. So often Adi had thought of locating Matthew, but then decided it was too late for her since the Prince was dead. In an attempt to deal with the situation, she tried to find happiness in the fact that she was no longer bound to Rasha and no longer starving on the streets. Other than love, all her other dreams had come true. Sighing, she broke away from her musings and looked out at the warm sun streaming through her window. It was going to be a beautiful day and she was going to enjoy it at her favorite park. Every bride needed a break from the stress of planning a wedding!


“Ambassador, Adi is headed to the park, ALONE.” Gabriel announced placing special emphasis on the word alone.

“Ze’ev’s not with her?” Matthew inquired.

“No, only Dagon follows. It seems as if the Shedim believe they have already won.” Gabriel smiled.

Matthew’s eyes lit up with hope. “Gabriel, summon as many Watchers as you can, but do it so as not to attract attention from the Shedim. I am going to talk to Adi one last time and there must be no interruptions. Have some of the Watchers throw Shakti into the abyss before he can alert Ze’ev, and put a guard around Ze’ev. He must not interrupt my meeting with Adi!”

“Yes, sir!” Gabriel responded with energy. It wasn’t long before Gabriel found Jordan and a small band of Watchers entrenched near the flower shop. A few moments passed as the group huddled in a tight circle formulating a plan. As soon as Gabriel left, Jordan discreetly transformed once more into the elderly florist. Hailing a cab, he headed off towards Ze’ev’s home. One by one the other Watchers followed suit. Some remained in their natural state casually flying towards the target while others blended into the bustle of the busy streets and sidewalks. Arriving undetected they gathered in the shadows across the street from the house.

“Gabriel, where’s Michael?” Jordan asked half expecting to meet up with the commander.

“He’s protecting Adi at the park.” Gabriel explained as he stared intently at the quiet house. “I don’t see any Shedim. That’s very odd. Either Ze’ev isn’t home or they’ve really grown lazy.”

“Or maybe they found out we were coming and have planned an ambush.” Jordan whispered.

Gabriel nodded thoughtfully. “Watchers, be on guard and if you have to engage, do so in a way that will not attract other Shedim. In other words, no bolts of light! The Ambassador wants you to get rid of Shakti. Understood?”

The band of Watchers all nodded their heads in understanding. Stepping out of the shadows, Jordan waved the rest to follow slowly and cautiously. Making it across the street undetected, they entered into the house. All was quiet except for a faint chanting music that seemed to float on the air. With stealth, they crept towards the sound. Upon reaching the door from which the music was coming, Jordan motioned for swords to be drawn. Pushing the door open a little, he was able to see Ze’ev sitting peacefully, legs crossed, palms upward. Shakti hovered above, instructing him while two other Shedim loafed nearby. Turning to the waiting Watchers, Jordan signaled the number of Shedim.

Taking a deep breath, Jordan yelled, “For the glory of King Penuel and Prince Joshua!”
The band of Watchers burst into the room startling the Shedim. Before they could react, the angels thrust them quickly into the abyss. Shakti quivered before Jordan’s sword. “You can’t throw me in before the time!”

“Your deceiving days are over, Shakti!” Swinging with all his might, Jordan sent Shakti tumbling and screaming into the fires.

“Shakti?” an alarmed voice broke through the fading screams. Jordan looked at Ze’ev who sat blinking in confusion.

Ze’ev had been sitting completely mesmerized by Shakti’s words when he felt a disturbance of energy enter the room. He had seen Shakti’s look of alarm before disappearing completely. Not understanding what had happened, Ze’ev jerked awake calling out to her.

Jordan looked at the band of warriors with approval. “That went well. Now if the rest of the plan can go as smoothly, the Ambassador will have a chance to speak with Adi. We are to stay here and guard Ze’ev.”

…to be continued…

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Sitting across from him, Adi took in his strong masculine form. He was dressed in a dark blue suit with a white shirt unbuttoned at the collar. His black hair neatly combed and clean shaven face made him the most attractive man in Soteria. A longing for his approval welled up inside of her, I wonder if he really loves me. She thought.

Placing his menu aside, Ze’ev reached across holding onto Adi’s hands. “Adi, we’ve been engaged now for over a year. I think it’s time we discuss a wedding date!”

Joy and relief flooded over her, “Really?”

“Of course, I’ve only held off because I knew you were struggling with your health. I didn’t want to pressure you, but now that you’re better we should discuss it!”

Tears gathered in her eyes, “Oh, Ze’ev, I thought that maybe you didn’t want to marry me after all!”

“Not marry you? Why would I not want to marry the most beautiful girl in Soteria?” Ze’ev feigned surprise.

Blushing, Adi smiled happily at him, “When would you like to get married?”

“In six months.”

Adi looked at him in surprise. “You’ve already thought about this?”

Ze’ev shrugged looking sheepish, “Of course I have. There’s a lot to do since this will be the biggest event in Soteria by far. What do you say?”

“I say, yes!” Adi grinned excitedly.


Frustrated, Matthew tossed the paper onto the motel bed and stared at Gabriel the bearer of the news. Thomas looked up from where he sat perusing the internet.

“What’s wrong, sir?”

Letting out a great sigh, Matthew responded, “Adi and Ze’ev have set a date for their wedding. It’s all over the papers that Gabriel brought. They are to be married the same day the Prince is released from prison.”

Thomas shook his head sadly, “Well, I guess… Wait a minute, you said Prince Joshua will be released on the same day?”
Matthew nodded. “But, but, why doesn’t she just wait to see what the Prince has to say?”

“This is clearly Rasha’s plan. It serves two purposes, one – it distracts people’s attention from the Prince’s release. Word leaked out about the beating and so most Soterian’s think he’s dead. Rasha wants it to remain that way so people won’t see that the Prince fulfilled his promise of pardon. Secondly, what better way to inflict more pain upon an enemy by stealing away his love on the same day he could have had her.”

“That is just sick.” Thomas shook his head in disgust. “I guess Adi got what she wanted – love, fame, and fortune!”

Shaking his head despondently, Matthew replied, “No, Thomas, she did not get what she wanted. She only thinks that she did. Her fame and fortune won’t last. Once the wedding is over she won’t even be a memory to anyone. As for love, she never found it. Her “love” will betray her.”

Thomas remained silent for a moment absorbing what the Ambassador had predicted. Breaking the silence, he solemnly asked, “You know what’s going to happen to her don’t you?”

“Rasha and Ze’ev are plotting to have her killed after the wedding ceremony. While partiers think that the happy couple have retreated to their honeymoon suite, Rasha will be sending Adi to the fiery abyss where the Prince cannot go. She’ll be lost to him forever.”

Thomas gasped in horror. “Sir, we must warn her!”

“What do think we’ve been doing, Thomas?” Matthew snapped. “She won’t believe us! Very soon, Adi will realize that her unbelief has sent her to the place of her worst nightmares.” Turning his attention to Gabriel, Matthew commanded, “Tell Michael to double the forces and have the Watchers ready at a moment’s notice. If they need to engage, now is the time. They are not to hold back. Also, instruct Michael to persuade Adi to visit Jordan in the flower shop.”

“Yes, sir. Will that be all, sir?”

Matthew nodded in deep thought waving away Gabriel. Gabriel shot into the air in search for Michael.

…to be continued…


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Months passed as Adi fell into a routine with her work. She found it pleasant enough especially working with Jordan. He was easy to talk to and had a way of getting her to open up without fear of judgment. Somehow he had managed to pull her life’s story out of her except for the part with Joshua and Matthew. In spite of the friendship and the easy work load, Adi still felt empty. Forcing a smile was so difficult. Ze’ev became angry with her and threatened that if she didn’t participate in the meditation with him, she would be back out on the streets again. Out of fear, she dutifully complied. A mixture of feelings swirled through her mind as she thought about the meditations. On one side, she enjoyed the relaxing music and did gain a sense of empowerment, but on the other hand, she felt twinges of fear that something wasn’t right. Not wanting to make Ze’ev angry, she remained silent about her misgivings, until now with Jordan.

“Adi, you’ve been telling me about your life these past months. It’s obvious someone is looking out for you.” Jordan probed.

Curious, Adi asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, you were sentenced to jail but were set free. Somehow you survived on the streets for three years, and when you were sick someone found you in the abandoned warehouse. It sounds to me that someone cares about you.”

An image of the Prince looking deep into her eyes and pledging his love to her entered her mind. Squirming uncomfortably in her chair, Adi shrugged, “Ze’ev says it’s fate or our destiny. He says that my thoughts were always negative and so I attracted those bad events into my life. He says that I’m in control of my destiny and that I make my life positive by thinking positively.”

Jordan carefully snipped a thorn off a rose, “Hmm. Interesting, but if you were attracting the negative, then why were you freed from going to prison? How did that elderly lady just happen to be there when you needed clothes and a warm jacket before the weather turned cold? How did you find money on the streets for food? And how did anyone find you when you were sick? All of these positive events don’t seem to mesh with your boyfriend’s philosophy.”

Feeling a bit perplexed, Adi sighed, “Well, I’m still learning. Ze’ev has helped me get in touch with my inner spirit guide.”

“Spirit guide?”

“Yes, Ze’ev says that we are all divine, and we have to learn how to connect with our spirit guide to teach us how to tap into our divinity.”

Jordan furrowed his brows in concern, “Interesting.”

“My spirit guide’s name is Shakti. She’s so beautiful and she’s teaching me how to be beautiful as well. She says that I must first believe that I am beautiful, worthy, and powerful before I can become those things.”

Laying down the clippers, Jordan peered through his glasses at her. “So, is it working?”

Sighing Adi admitted, “I don’t know. I just don’t seem to feel anything anymore. It’s like I really don’t exist.”

Jordan nodded in confirmation, “Yes, I can see that in your eyes. They’re empty.” Covering her small hand with his aged one, he pointed gently to the rose, “Look at that rose, Adi. It’s beautiful isn’t it? Smell it’s aroma.”

Confused at the change in conversation, Adi leaned forward to smell the rose. “The aroma is strong but sweet.”

“Does the rose have any thorns or blemishes?”

Adi shook her head.

“Did the rose remove the thorns all on its own?”

“No.” Adi looked at him mystified as to what his point was.

“The rose could not pull the thorns off itself nor could it protect itself from bugs or disease. I had to tenderly care for it, protect it from the cold, spray it with pesticide to keep it healthy. I had to feed it the proper food so it could stay nourished. Now that the flower has blossomed, I’ve trimmed off the thorns so that it could be beautiful. You are the rose, Adi. Someone has watched over you, fed you, clothed you, protected you, and wishes to turn you into a flower of beauty! You can not do that yourself, only the Gardener can!”


“King Penuel, Adi.”

Shock coursed through Adi at the name of King Penuel. “You believe in King Penuel?” She asked incredulously.

“Yes, I do. I know the Prince as well, and I know they love each one of us. That includes you, Adi.”

“No!” She shouted panicked.

“Adi, why do you resist him? It will do you no good to keep running from the truth!” Jordan pleaded.

Dagon sidled up to Adi and began whispering into her thoughts, “He’s lying. The King would never love worthless scum like you.”

Letting out an anguished cry, Adi ran from the flower shop. When Dagon reached the door, he turned to the old man and to Michael, “When will you two ever learn that we will win!” With a laugh he flew into the sky keeping watch over the fleeing girl.

Transforming himself back into a warrior, Jordan stared dismally in the direction that Adi fled. “I failed.”

Michael turned placing a comforting hand on the warrior’s shoulder, “You did not fail, Jordan. You planted another seed of doubt in her mind, and that’s all we can do.”
“What will the Ambassador say?”

Michael smiled reassuringly, “He’ll tell you just what I’ve told you.”

Jordan sighed, “I guess that’s the end of the flower shop.”

“I wouldn’t close just yet, my friend. When things begin to make sense to her, she’ll come back.”

…to be continued…

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…to be continued…

As the days melted into weeks, Adi grew physically stronger but emotionally weaker. She felt like the rope in a tug-of-war game between Matthew and Ze’ev. Just when she began to trust Ze’ev, Matthew would give her a warning causing her to withdraw from Ze’ev; and just when she would decide to accept the Prince’s proposal, Ze’ev would say or do something that would contradict Matthew’s warning about him. Both men spent hours with her. Ze’ev boasted of all his wealth and power that he was willing to share with her, and Matthew, humbly exalted the Prince and not himself. Both men were complete opposites. Feeling confused, Adi became agitated and withdrawn.

Observing her quiet unsettled attitude, Ze’ev decided to consult Rasha about it.
Settled once again on the park bench, Ze’ev turned up his coat collar in an attempt to block out the cold winter breeze. “It’s Matthew, Rasha. Can’t you get rid of him? He’s turning Adi against me.”

“How?” the abrupt question was edged with anger.

“I don’t know. All I know is that when he spends time with her, she pulls away from me. She always looks at me suspiciously and then gets real moody.” Ze’ev grumbled.

“Moody you say?”

“Yes, and she cries a lot.”

“I know what will help her. I’ve got just the thing, but you are not to tell her where you got it from.” Rasha, often disguised as a businessman when out in public, quickly searched in his briefcase for the drug. Upon finding it, he handed the bottle to Ze’ev.

Cautiously, Ze’ev reached out examining the bottle. “Okay. What is it?”

“Phloxine. It’s a drug that raises serotonin levels to help with depression, which is Adi’s problem.”

“What if she won’t take it?”

Rasha’s eyes narrowed as he glared at Ze’ev, “Make her.” Rasha stood indicating that the matter was settled and walked away.

After some persuasive pleading on Ze’ev’s part Adi agreed to take the pills. Anything would be better than to continue feeling confused, guilty, and overwhelmed.

The night before Adi was going to be discharged, Matthew stopped by to make another appeal. He had spent tireless hours telling Adi all about King Penuel, the Prince, Miskana, and the future demise of Soteria. On more than one occasion, Adi appeared as if she would accept the Prince’s proposal, but was always interrupted by a doctor or Ze’ev causing the moment to pass. Matthew knew that tonight would be her last night at the hospital before she would go home with Ze’ev.

As Matthew walked into the hospital room, he found Adi sitting up in bed blankly staring at the wall. When she turned to meet his gaze, her eyes were dull and empty. Alarmed at the change in her, Matthew scanned her room for any signs of what may have caused this. Then he saw it, a brown pill bottle on the table by her bedside. Picking it up, he read the label Phloxine.

“Adi, you’re not taking this are you?” He demanded.

Adi slowly nodded. “Ze’ev said that it would make me feel better. He said I was

Sighing with frustration, Matthew sat down in the chair next to her. “Adi, you are not depressed! You’ve been through some tough times and you’ve been sick. It’s natural and completely normal to feel weak, fatigued, and even emotional. There’s nothing wrong with you, Adi!”

Adi shrugged, “I don’t care. For the first time, I feel free from guilt and fear. Come to think of it, I don’t feel anything at all. How can that be bad?”

Matthew sighed, “These pills numb you, Adi. You lose your sense of guilt and responsibility. I know this doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but you’ve got to realize that there is a good form of guilt and a bad form. The good guilt makes you realize your need for King Penuel who will lead you away from harm. False guilt comes from the inability to live up to false expectations. Unfortunately, many Soterians can’t distinguish between the two and they turn to pills which numbs both kinds of guilt. Can’t you see how dangerous that is? True guilt is a moral compass that points to King Penuel and life! It’s a GOOD thing!”

Adi glared at Matthew, “And next you’re going to tell me that fear is a good thing, too?”

“Well, when danger looms before you, fear helps you run from it. You should be afraid of the coming destruction of Soteria. You should be afraid of what will happen to you if you don’t accept the Prince’s proposal. He won’t be able to
protect you, Adi!” he pleaded. Seeing that his words weren’t processing in her mind, he leaned back sighing, “So, if you stop to think about it then, yes, fear can be a good thing to help you turn from danger and seek safety. Don’t squelch that fear, Adi!”

Adi sadly looked down at the blanket that was twisted up in her hand.

An urgency filled Matthew’s voice as he desperately tried to reach her with truth.

“Adi, look at me.” Adi slowly lifted her eyes and stared into Matthew’s deep, chocolate eyes that were filled with concern. Matthew continued, “Joshua promises to replace that fear and give you complete peace if you accept him. With Joshua, you will be safe from harm!”

Adi numbly looked away, “I have peace now.”

“No, Adi, this is not true peace. These pills create a facade, a false peace that will push you further into danger,” Matthew firmly stated.

Stubbornly, Adi shook her head, “If you don’t like these pills, why don’t you just get rid of them yourself so I can’t take them?”

A pained look crossed over Matthew’s chiseled face. “Adi, you’ve got to believe me when I say that I want to take these pills and throw them as far away as I can, but I can’t. It has to be your choice, Adi.”

“Well, then, I choose to take the pills, and I’ll be going home with Ze’ev tomorrow.” Adi once more stared vacantly at the wall, blocking Matthew’s presence from her mind.

Despondently, Matthew slowly stood to his feet and quietly shuffled out the door.
Deep in the recesses of the Soterian men’s prison, a tormented cry was heard from a brutally beaten Prince, “Adi!”


King Penuel stood at the balcony staring at the distant city, tears streaming down his cheeks, “Adi! Why won’t you let me be your father?”

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Thomas jumped out of the taxi before it came to a complete stop. Throwing the back door open, he reached in to help slowly ease a semi-conscious Adi out of the cab. Picking her up, he rushed through the sliding emergency room doors

“I need help here!” Thomas called out.

Immediately the receptionist phoned for a gurney to be brought to the front at once. A team of doctors and nurses rushed to the bed, surrounding Adi, while throwing out questions to Thomas. Thomas followed after them answering the questions as best he could. As the team whisked Adi through a set of double doors, Thomas was stopped short by a nurse.

“This is as far as you go. Please wait out in the lobby.”

Panicked, Thomas balked, “But I have to…”

“Go!” the nurse snapped.

Dejected, Thomas turned and slowly walked back to the waiting area. Michael stood there waiting for him.

“They’ve taken Adi behind some doors and they won’t let me in,” he fretted.

“Don’t worry, Thomas. She’ll be fine.”

Looking about, he noticed that Matthew wasn’t there. “Where’s Matthew? He said he’d be here!”

Michael slapped the despondent man on the back, “He’s here. He’s with her right now.”

“But how…”

“Thomas, no one can see him. Being able to go invisible has its perks, you know.” Michael attempted at some humor to cheer Thomas, but it was lost on him.

Looking perplexed, Thomas stared at Michael, “Michael, do others see you right now?”


Thomas’s eyes widened, “Then it looks as if I’m talking to myself?” he exclaimed.

Michael gave a light-hearted laugh, “Yes, it does, Thomas.”

“That’s not funny, Michael. Why is it that I can see you in human form and in angel form?”

“Because you are from Miskana, Thomas. Those who reside in Miskana see both

“Oh.” Thomas furrowed his brow and slumped into a seat.

Michael clapped him on the back, “I’m going to talk with the Ambassador. Just wait here for the doctor.”

…to be continued…

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Ze’ev laid bare-chested on his back, covers off. The palms of his hands facing upward, a peaceful smile playing on his lips. As the theta binaural beats sounded rhythmically through the headphones and into Ze’ev’s subconscious, a tingling sensation began to form at the base of his spine. Soon waves of energy moved up and down his spine causing vibrations near his adrenal, thymus, and thyroid glands. A burst of iridescent light exploded into his brain. The colorful light beams joined together shaping themselves into the form of a beautiful woman. She stood there with arms outstretched, her robes shimmering as a prism held against the light. Her wavy blonde hair gently blew enchantingly around her shoulders and endied at her waist,

“Ze’ev!” she called seductively, “Ze’ev, I have a message for you!”

“I’m listening,” Ze’ev murmured in his trance-like state.

“I am Shakti the supreme goddess of the universe. I have come to instruct you in how to obtain my favor,” her voice whispered eerily. “Adi is in the Soterian General Hospital. Go to her and take care of my child. As a reward, I will give you half of Soteria to rule.”

“Yes, my Shakti, I will go.” Ze’ev groaned.

“My favor is upon you, Ze’ev.” As her voice faded, so did the beams of iridescent light. The buzzing vibrations ceased, and all was still. Ze’ev opened his eyes in wonderment.

“I did it! I awakened the Kundilini!” Feeling exhilarated, he jumped out of bed and
began to dress for the hospital.

…to be continued…

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