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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

falling down a hole

Believe.  That word has been rattling around in my head for a month now, but I’ve been struggling to grasp it.

The insecurity of life became too much for me, and so I retreated into a corner, hugged my knees, and closed my eyes in an effort to provide a false sense of security.  That only lasted for so long, when I began to feel my body being moved and turned.  A breeze swept over me as I lost my equilibrium.  It felt as if a deep cavernous hole had opened up and I was spiraling downward towards the inevitable.  At first, I resisted, but then growing weary of the fight, I found solace in the darkness that was sure to come when I hit bottom.

Believe!  The soft spoken word pierced through the dark thoughts.  Believe what?  Believe that someday I’ll be able to wake up without fear gnawing at my heart and stomach?  Believe that I can someday accept who I really am – a daughter of God?  Believe that joy will come in the morning?  A spark of hope flickered and was instantly snuffed as I twisted and turned in my fall.

Believe! The word seemed to bounce off the jagged rocks that formed the deep pit.  “Believe what?”  My mind screamed in confusion and horror.

“Believe that I have called you.  Believe that you are mine.  Believe that I see you and won’t let you be harmed!  Believe that I love you!”  The unseen voice sounded desperate almost pleading.

“I want to, I really want to, I just don’t have the strength anymore.  All I see is darkness, and all I hear is the wind swirling around me, and all I feel is the weight of gravity pulling me down.”  I frantically rambled.

The tender voice responded, “Open your eyes and look up!”

“I’m too scared!” My voice squeaked out.

“Open your eyes!”

Ever so slowly, I pried open my eyes and looked up.  Instead of seeing pitch black darkness, I saw a handsomely rugged face peering anxiously down at me.  “You’re not falling, I’m carrying you!”

“But I…”

“You became scared of the world around you and you closed your eyes.  When I picked you up, you thought you were falling.  If you had opened your eyes, you would have seen that I am carrying you to safety.”  He gently explained.

“Believe,” I whispered.

“Yes, just believe and you will see the truth.”  My Abba hugged me close as I clung to him realizing that I had been safe in his arms all along.

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ripe orange with leaves on white backgroundA few weeks ago, I was all excited about 2015 and all the mystery surrounding a new year, but for whatever reason, the excitement vanished.  Instead, the year loomed before me as a deep bottomless pit with no hope.  As the joy of the holidays subsided and the reality of 2 ½ weeks of no work, no pay (not by choice) sunk in, so did the fear and frustration.  Why can’t we ever move forward?  Why are we always in a continual backward motion?  With 6 mouths to feed our stash of food was quickly dwindling and the cravings were growing (No, not pregnant cravings).

After all the junk food and sweets of the holidays, we all wanted fruit, veggies, and meat.  “God, can you please provide some fruit, veggies, and meat?  We all need this.”  I simply asked.

Not aware of our need, my mom went to the glean to gather some food.  A glean is where people pick up day old food from grocery stores and bring them to one location.  Everyone who helps out, can pick out any food for free.  My mom helps out with one and she often brings all sorts of goodies to us.  On this day, she stopped by our house with a box of oranges, veggies, meat, and bread!

I am so thankful that I belong to God, my father and provider!  He shows his love for me even through an orange.

You parents – if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?  So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.   – Matthew 7:9, 10 (NLT)

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I looked pleadingly into my Father’s eyes and whispered haltingly, “How do I break free from this fear? I’m so unhappy.”

My Father looked deep into my misery-filled eyes and smiled encouragingly, “What makes you drive around at night looking for those homeless boys? What makes you walk down a darkened trail hoping to find a dejected teenager? Why are you not afraid then?”

I pondered this for a moment and then responded, “I love them. I want to show them that they are valuable and not worthless.”

My Father smiled brightly at me, “Love is the key to breaking free from the fear of people. Fear is the absence of love.”

Slowly I nodded my head as I began to understand his meaning, “But, Abba, how do I love those that are being mean to me?”

“You can’t love them on your own, but I can. Just ask me to fill you with the love you need for that person. When you allow me to place that love in you, you will overcome the fear you have for that person.”

Hope brightened my eyes, “Will you fill me with that love, Abba?”

My Father reached out and gently brushed a strand of hair from my face. “Absolutely, daughter, because I am love.”

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – I John 4:18 (NIV)

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The wind whipped harshly at my face as I stared in fear at the large body of water that lay before me. Behind me, I heard the premature shouts of victory as the enemy closed in. Looking about me, I realized that there was nowhere for me to run. I was boxed in. Defeat was sure to come.

“Father!” I fearfully cried, “The enemy is closing in! Deliver me!”

In the midst of the chaos, the still quiet voice of my Abba was heard, “Be still, daughter, I’ve got you in the palm of my hand and I will not let go.”

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